7 days to rookies. 7 days to fight the fear of failure. 7 days to the start of my last season with the Blue Devils Marching Band. 7 days to uncharted territory.
This coming Saturday will mark my 2nd year as the clarinet section leader in the Marching Band. It's funny really, I became section leader, and then found out that none of the clarinets from the previous year were returning. Now i was a section leader for a group of total strangers. I was terrified. They were gonna see through my poor clarinet skills ( I had 1 yr playing experience to their years of high-school and posssibly middle school experience), They were gonna think I was an awful leader, they weren't gonna like me, our section was gonna be a mess and Dr. Heller would think I was incompetent. All these things running through my head convincing me that I was going to fail. My friend Rachel saved my sanity so many times that semester, that I may never be able to repay her. There were bumps, there was a problem member or two, but by the band banquet, life was good, we had all survived, and Dr. Reynolds ( yes, in the course of the season Dr. Heller got married, That was a great rehearsal!) did not think I was a failure. Best of all, I didn't think I was a failure.
Fast forward to this year, and I get the roster for clarinets for the 2014 season. NONE of the clarinets are returning members. Out of 8 clarinets, only I was returning. Considering that all of last years members were freshmen, I was flooded with thoughts that I had screwed up big time and had done my part to creating a bad experience for them. I've talked to them all, and every one of them had other reasons for not being in band this year ( schedule conflicts, jobs, etc) but there is that little voice in the back of my head that says " You are responsible for them leaving"
Flashback..
I remember my first year in the marching band, we did an exhibition show and the UMass Marching Band was also there in exhibition. 397 members. There was barely enough room of the field for all of them. They literally took my breath away. At the end of their performance, a group of us from CCSU sat there and decided to high- five them all as they walked off the field. I legit thought my arm would fall off by the end, but I was on a high like I have never experienced. I was having visions the whole ride back to school of the CCSU marching band being there someday.Me and my friend decided that night we wanted to try and get our band to triple digits by our last season. With this in mind, losing 7 people from my section alone was a sad blow to my dream.
Which brings me to " 7 days to fight the fear of failure" no, our band will not be in the triple digits for my last season, but I do believe that in the near future, it will be in the triple digits. If anyone can bring that out, Dr. Reynolds will do it. She has a fire in her that i've never experienced. I want to help in the dream of triple digits. There are 9 incoming clarinet rookies this season, I want to do everything in my power to make sure they stay next season. I want to be that band person for them that makes band the best thing about their semester. I want band to feel like home to them, like it felt to me. I want them to tell their friends it's a great place and that they should join, I want to be Santa.
I've been thinking about it non-stop since getting home from DMA. I've been thinking about the new set of tools I have to help me be a better section leader, the be a more supportive section leader, but today, as I sat looking through band photos to pick my daily countdown picture, I realized the word that was missing from my vocabulary. Friend. I want to be a better FRIEND, be a more supportive FRIEND. If it's gonna feel like home, they've gotta feel the trust, love, and safety that comes with being in a family. This is the thing that freaks me out. My own home has had it's less than stellar record of lacking those family essentials, and I, myself, have found it hard to trust people and to make a lot of friends. Even in my band of 60+ people, there are 4 who i regularly talk to, hang with, trust with anything personal. How am I going to be this trustworthy, safe person for my section? For others in the band? This is uncharted territory for me. I've never made friends quickly, or easily, even with people i've known for a while. I need to just let go of it all. Let go of the control, find the trust and allow myself to be a friend to those who are incoming rookies, and maybe even give a stab to solidifying relationships with returning members.
This is my last year as a CCSU Marching Blue Devil. There is no chance for a do-over next season. There is here, there is now, and there is a legacy to leave behind. My first season, I had a terrible experience with my SL. I will remember that for the rest of my life. I don't want to leave that as my legacy. I want to be the friend, the person who made band a fun place to be. I want to be a reason for people to come back, not a reason for them to leave. When I come back on alumni day, I want to say " Hey Rookies! Welcome to Sophomore year!" I don't want to walk in on alumni day, look at the clarinets and go " Where are they?" I want the clarinets to be glad to see me. I want to look not at my rookie squad, but to look into the faces of my friends. This is the task for MB 2014. This is the person I'm gonna work to be.
Here's to senior year. Here's to my final season. Here's to the best season this band has had yet. Let there be memories to warm my thoughts for years to come.
"7 Days to old friends, new friends and so many new adventures."
So, I don't understand the Wolves, but the lyrics to this song are worth listening to. One of my favorite motivational tunes.
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