Lately, it seems like everything reminds me of you. Today at work songs on my playlist for you kept popping up, at church this morning they sang “The prayer of St. Francis” one of your favorites. I even saw those terrible cookies you used to buy and have with your tea. I can’t believe it’s already been a year.
It’s been a year, and I still go to call you on the phone, I still walk down the card aisle to look for a birthday card, Easter card, Fathers day card. I still expect to walk into your house and see you walking out in your blue dickies and worn out white t-shirt, putting your hand on my cheek and calling me “My Baby”.
It’s been a year,and i’m still waiting for memories of you to make me smile instead of make me sad, to hear a song or see something that reminds me of you and not choke up, to look at the note that says “Love,Grandpop” without breaking into tears. I’m not sure I ever will. I’m waiting for the day I will go to church and it won’t remind me that having to get to church was the reason I didn’t get to say goodbye, that trying to do the right thing left me with a worlds worth of regret and anger at the God who would punish me for doing what I was supposed to do.
But if i’m honest, I was afraid to come down to say goodbye, I was afraid that seeing you there in that bed would make it all real, and all my last hopes and prayers for a miracle would be futile.I didn’t know what I was gonna say, or how i was gonna say goodbye to the person who meant the world to me. It’s been a year, and I still feel guilty for not being there when it was most important, and not getting there to say goodbye.
I remember getting the message that you were gone, and I remember the ache taking my breath away. I remember telling my dad and then walking out to my car, sitting there and sobbing. I went to my sisters and told her, and then my brothers and I just wanted to be with them. Then I went to Pennsylvania, and on the way there I cried, at the rest stop I cried, before pulling down my grandmas street, I pulled over and tried to pull myself together, I’ll never forget walking into the house and your room was already so empty, and it just felt wrong, yet I couldn’t bring myself to cry because my mother was already crying. I met my aunt and uncle for lunch and he was crying, so I couldn’t cry. We got to my aunts and they were crying, and the tears could not come. I couldn’t cry there because there were so many tears already, so I got in my car, drove to the river park, sat on the bank with my headphones on, and I cried. At the funeral home, I lasted half an hour, then walked to the back of the parking lot, sat on the ground between two cars and sobbed uncontrollably, at the cemetery, behind my aviator sunglasses, I let the teardrops roll down my face as I tried not to make a sound. I don’t know why I felt I couldn’t cry with the family. Something in me felt that they had enough to worry and cry over, they didn’t need to worry about me to, but the thing is, When people see you falling apart, they hold you together, but when you put on a front, they think you’re good, when in reality the pieces are shattered and you have no idea how you’ll face a world where Pop-Pop doesn’t exist. When I think of all the things I'll neve get to share with you, like my boyfriends, my wedding, your future grandkids, Musical events, even moving to Pennsylvania, it makes me wish for one more day to cherish each moment, but I know it can't be.
It’s incredible how a year can fly by and drag on at the same time. It seems like yesterday that they told me you were gone, but I feel like it has been eternity since I’ve seen your face and heard your voice. Every now and then, I call your house when no one is home, just to hear your voice on the machine. I’m still trying to navigate a world without you here, Pop-pop, and It sure seems just as hard at day 364 as it felt on day 1. I’m unsure that I can put into words what is on my heart, but i’m trying. I've heard it said that fierce grief is a consequence of fierce love. How blessed was I to get 30 beautiful years of love with my grandfather? They say the pain goes away, I don't know.
It’s been a year,Poppy, and I’m still waiting.
Rest In Peace Pop-Pop, it sure is lonely down here without you.
Today, I remember a man I have never met, but who has greatly influenced the musician and person I am today. I debated posting this today, as I felt I was infringing upon a private moment in the lives of those who actually knew him, but I've felt an overwhelming desire to express my gratitude for quite some time, so please forgive my infringement. I mean no ill.
My friend Megan told me my first George Parks story in my aural skills I class back in 2009 and inspired me not to give up. From there, as I looked him up and learned more about him, he inspired me and my life.It was this love and inspiration that seemed to radiate from his words and videos I watched that piqued my interest in Marching and I am grateful for that gift every day.
Maybe one day down the road, I would have seen something or talked to someone else who got me interested in checking out marching band, but I'll never know. What I do know, is that my friend's stories of George Parks made me youtube him, and that lead to Drum corp videos, and Marching band videos, and we all know how the Youtube cycle goes. This led to conversations with other fiends, and eventually lead to my friends convincing me to join the marching band with my $100 clarinet and non-existent playing chops.
That first season, I was utterly terrified walking into the band room on rookie day, but I had a few friends, and I was committed to seeing what would happen. The school had just gotten a new band director, and I was afraid that she'd call me out realizing i was a fraud. Instead, she came up and chatted with me and made me feel like I belonged here regardless of my skills. I remember, it was maybe the second day of camp, and her friend Matt came and gave us a pep talk about how being in band would be the best moments of our lives and it was all downhill after that. I wasn't sure he was right at that moment, but by the end of band camp 2012, I knew. The following seasons I knew more and more, I joined the student leadership and after the terrors of leading a group of students in something I had no clue about, it became a great learning and growing experience. The next year I went off to DMA-Amherst, not as a drum major, but because I had heard so many incredible things and had drank the proverbial marching band kool-aid, that I had to experience it for myself. I don't exaggerate when I say, it was a life changing experience. An experience I would never have known if it had not been for a little anecdotal story, told at the beginning of an aural skills class in 2009.
Joining band led me to some of the most beautiful friendships I've ever known, and may ever know. I learned about perseverance, trial and error, self doubt and self belief. I learned what it was to pour your heart and soul into something and treasure the end result. I discovered the incredible amount of physical demand a persons calves, feet, shoulders, and back can endure, I found that the limits in my head were not the limits of my capability. I came to believe that moving, unless it's with a purpose is not living up to your potential. I found that reaching 2 inches higher is worth the effort it takes. If it hadn't been for band, there is a very good probability that I would have run screaming from the music department in 2012, but in band, I found my place at CCSU. I found my home, and now, in January will be starting in a program to become a certified music educator. Being in marching band, i've had the opportunity to get to know several wonderful and inspiring people, all of whom were inspired by knowing and loving George N. Parks. It was this love and inspiration that got me interested in Marching and I am grateful for it every day.
I was privileged this summer, to go back to my alma mater and spend some time on the sidelines as the 2015 Blue Devil marching band created magic on the field, I got to get a real behind the scenes look at what's going on in the stands while the band is on the field. I got to see for the first time in my life, what it was like to watch the forms come to life on the field, and I got to really see my director with different eyes and realize all the work and passion she pours into this crazy beautiful thing we know as marching band. There were moments I got sentimental remembering how fun she made it for me, and how she could make long hours on the field seem to go by faster. I got to see where the magic happens. It was something I won't forget. Most memorable to me was when I was on the side-line as the group screamed TOGETHER-IN-OUT-BACK-FROZEN-UP-WITH PRIDE! It legitimately gave me chills. There is something anchoring about watching your band as a helper/worker instead of a member and realizing that no matter what, you'll always have a place on this turf, in this group. Your chant rises with theirs and the legacy lives on in a new group of people even farther removed from this man I never met, who has, in some way, both small and profound, touched my life and made it all the better. Thank you George Parks. Thank you for sharing your love of the marching arts, thank you for touching the lives of those who knew you, who now share your passion and love with a new generation. Yours is a legacy that will live on in the hearts of bandos and those who love bandos across the country for years to come.
When I made the decision to volunteer to work at my alma mater's band camp this summer, I was a little nervous about figuring out how I would fit in as a non-band member to my friends and former classmates. As the last few days have unfolded it feels like the question has shifted from "How will I fit in?" to " Do I even fit at all?" When I was in band, and for the years I was in it in college, I always had this, call it cheesy band geek, image of it being a sort of family. Something where, once you were in, you were a part of it for life. Maybe I was naive?
My knee jerk desire to work at band camp and help with it was because in my heart, I truly believe that marching band isn't just a fun thing to do, but I feel that the things it teaches are fundamental to a functional and well balanced society. The second thought was that I wanted to ' pay it forward' and give back my time and service to the band that made all the difference to my life in college. I wanted it to succeed, I wanted it to grow. I guess i always felt there was a natural succession with band... a) be in the band b)graduate from the band c) Volunteer/work with your old band d) Find your very own band. Lastly, I was hoping to build a little on my professional resume. By the preview show my first season, i knew I wanted to do this with my life. Without a question I wanted to get a job as a band director and have a band of my own. I wanted to work on getting better with field work and stuff, analyzing the drill and helping students with funky foot placements or technique. So much for that. Being told that your help is not wanted on the field is a hit in the gut.
I went from " Hell yes i'm helping at band camp!" To thinking that, while i'm more than happy to volunteer and work for band camp if my help is actually wanted/ needed, If not, i'd like to have my dignity intact and not be the " I'm the poor schmuck who has nothing better to do with her life than spend her days watching the band she used to be in work on their field show"
I thought it was just a matter of seeing how I fit into this band as an alumni, but i've come to realize that it isn't about finding your space, it's about being on the outside and looking through the window at something that is no longer yours to be a part of, but rather something that stirred you up, chewed you up, and spit you out. It's realizing that just because you put your heart and soul into something, it doesn't necessarily remember that as it spits you out. Once you were part of a well oiled machine, now you are what the machine tossed out in search of something better. I have always been so proud of 'our' band, so excited to hoot and holler and sing their praises to everyone I knew, and I am still so proud of this band and the incredible feats in manages to accomplish, but it's hard to hoopla when you're feeling like the bando that was never quite good enough.
Someday i'll find a band of my own, someday, I'll prove that i'm worth having some faith in, someday I'll chant " Eyes?" and hear my band say "With Pride" and it will be a beautiful thing.
"89 degrees 84% humidity. Thunderstorm watch in effect from 2pm-10pm, some storms may be severe, causing heavy rain, large hail, and high winds. Possibly causing some weak tornados. "
This was the weather forecast on my phone when I got up yesterday morning and prepared for my last first game of the season. I kinda chuckled to myself as I thought about my very FIRST First game with the CCSU MB.....It was CCSU vs Leheigh Valley, and I was stoked because Leheigh Valley's MB was also coming with the team and would be performing their halftime show post game. It was a little rainy on and off throughout the game and afterwards when we went down to the field to watch and cheer them on, the sky opened up in the middle of their performance and we were soaked. We then did our performance in the pouring rain and it was wonderful!..... I almost felt it would be fitting that my first and last first game ( that's a lot of firsts) would involve some rain. Anyway, on to rehearsal.
It was ridiculously warm and toasty outside. Almost as soon as i left my car for the Arute field parking lot I was dripping with sweat. This was definitely gonna be a day when peer leadership was gonna be hard to keep on top of. Though, the fact that Dr. Reynolds, who is almost 9 months pregnant, was there with a smile on her face and a good attitude definitely helped to put things in perspective. An hour long music rehearsal on the blacktop was certainly hot, but it worked out. When we hit the field and got to working drill, running back, working drill, running back, etc... it seemed to grow increasingly warm as the promised stormy weather provided little cloud cover and we were roasting in the sun. I was trying to be positive, but there were a few times I definitely glanced at my watch and cringed inwardly at how slowly time was moving. About 3 hours into rehearsal we finally got some clouds and it was awesome! Then it happened. We heard the thunder and the School's lightening alert system went off ( when the lightening alert goes off, the stands and fields must be evacuated for 30 minutes. With every new lightening strike, the clock starts again) We tried to quickly finish our final sets, but were evacuated from the field and shuffled into the Kaiser Gym bubble. While making our way there the sky opened up and well, let's just say the cold showers we were hoping for on the field were covered. My friend Rachel and I ( who have made it a strange life goal to make MB rain storms fun) Started hooting and dancing our way to the bubble. I mean, yea it was raining, yeah we had gotten evacuated from the field, but it was cloudy and it was cool and it was wonderful.
While we sat in the bubble waiting, sure, there were people who were praying for a cancelled game so they could go home, but there was definitely a group of us who were like "Hell no! We just spent 3 hours preparing for this game, got evacuated, got rained on, and it's our first game of the season. There better be a game!" Well, there was. We made our way back to the band room, ate, and got into our uniforms. Woodwinds carrying instruments in cases to protect them from possible downpour, and then carrying the beloved rain parka.
In the stands, the clouds gathered and we still hoped for a halftime show. We warmed up and got set up on the sideline waiting to set page 0. Still no rain. We ran our entire performance, the dance team did their number and before we had even exited the field the lightening detector went off again. Deja Vu. Quickly and calmly head to the stands, get your cases, parkas, etc, and head back to the bubble. This time, we didn't get drowned as we walked over thankfully, but there was definitely lightening. The sousaphones weren't really feeling the excitement as they realized they were walking lightening rods, but everyone made it safely inside. We ended up leaving after halftime, so we never made it to playing "Feels Like Home" but we got our First halftime performance done. We made it. It was one hell of a final first game.
"Let's Go Central! Let's Go!"
My wonderful Clarinet section! I <3 them all! These four are making my last season special for sure!
Waiting inside the bubble for the call to go home or get back to the stands
This band is awesome. The attitudes were awesome, the professionalism was awesome. Through a sweltering rehearsal and 2 evacuations people were still joking around, laughing, smiling, helping each other out and just being all of my favorite things about the CCSU Blue Devil MB. I cannot even express how blessed I am to be a part of this band, and how blessed I am to have this wonderful group of people be the group that I spend my last season with.
Tonight ended the most grueling, fight for every set band camp I've ever been to. Yet, it was also the most incredible experience and possibly the best band camp i've ever been to.
I walked in on rookies day and thought to myself " Being a leader means doing the uncomfortable thing" I was determined to take this to heart with the rookies. The very first day, as we introduced ourselves, played games, and made it to lunch, I tried to make a point to say hi to rookies, to look at their name tags and great them by name. When lunch time came around, as I sat in the band room with maybe a dozen other people, I decided to talk to some of them. Most of the conversation was as simple as " How's it going so far? " or "how was your lunch? what did you have?" but it was something, and it was out of my comfort zone.
The weird and awesome thing is this though, the more I did it throughout the week, the easier it got. The less uncomfortable it became and it just started to happen naturally. I didn't have to muster up the questions or conversation starters, I just chatted with them. When I was fitting the band with uniforms, instead of just throwing them coats and pants, I asked them how band camp was going, what they liked, didn't like, etc. I think it also set the week up to be great or me. There was a much friendlier nature, and as i actually goofed around and joked with these kids who i'd only known for a few days, it was FUN. I don't know if it was mindset, going out of my way to be better, or the fact that I have an awesome set of people in my section this year that made the difference, but it was incredible! We actually did things as a section, we chatted, helped the pit, did the lunch and dinner thing, it was a good time.
Another awesome moment happened when this one kid was just having a time of it with marching. Foot timing, getting the slide position, hitting the dot, finding the dot, it was rough, and then around tuesday, it's like everything finally clicked and he was marching in time, finding his co-ordinates, and making the forms. He was so proud of the work he put in, and I was so happy and proud for him! It's not "great" yet, but I'm so excited to see where this season will take him, as well as our whole band.
The rookies that we got this year are absolutely incredible! This show was a beast to learn and put together and the attitudes stayed really positive the whole week. I mean we got the whole thing down, and music mostly memorized by Thursday. The whole vibe for this band is on fire and ya'll better watch out for 2014 CCSU Blue Devil Marching Band. We're on fire and we aren't going out!
More philosophical thoughts to come after sleep, coffee, and some contemplation.
Today, the world lost a wonderful actor/comedian, and from all accounts, an incredible man.
I rarely get sentimental over the loss of hollywoods finest, but tonight, one of hollywoods last class acts is gone and that brought tears to my eyes.
Robin Williams has always been a part of my life. From Aladdin to Man of The Year, i don't think there is a Robin Williams film I haven't seen or enjoyed. His work made you think, Yea, there was always laughter, good humor and cheer in his films, but there was also a depth that brought out the true humanity in the situations. People will say it was just a script, that anyone could have done it, but it's not true. Robin Williams made his characters come to life. You could feel his laughter, feel his sadness. It was like for that 2 hours on the screen, he opened the window to the soul of this fictional character and invited you in.
I remember watching "Dead Poets Society" and it was the first film i'd ever seen that inspired me to teach. I periodically watch it now as i go through my schooling to remind me of why I want to be a teacher. I want to inspire, I want to care, I want to ignite a passion for learning, I want my students to think on their own, I want to be Mr. Keating.
The sad thing is that they will drag his name through the mud because of the manor in which he passed away. I find it sad really, that he spent his life bringing laughter and joy to everyone, and he eventually succumbed to his own private hell of depression and sadness. It really is heartbreaking that he didn't know how to live in the world he created for so many others. I hope, and I pray that he is finally at peace and I hope he knew how greatly he has touched and inspired so many lives.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old time is still a-flying: And this same flower that smiles to-day To-morrow will be dying."
One of my favorite scenes from Dead Poets Society.
For the past week, I've been posting countdowns to band camp on our band FB page, and tonight's post " 7 DAYS TO ROOKIES, 8 DAYS TO BAND CAMP!"
7 days to rookies. 7 days to fight the fear of failure. 7 days to the start of my last season with the Blue Devils Marching Band. 7 days to uncharted territory.
This coming Saturday will mark my 2nd year as the clarinet section leader in the Marching Band. It's funny really, I became section leader, and then found out that none of the clarinets from the previous year were returning. Now i was a section leader for a group of total strangers. I was terrified. They were gonna see through my poor clarinet skills ( I had 1 yr playing experience to their years of high-school and posssibly middle school experience), They were gonna think I was an awful leader, they weren't gonna like me, our section was gonna be a mess and Dr. Heller would think I was incompetent. All these things running through my head convincing me that I was going to fail. My friend Rachel saved my sanity so many times that semester, that I may never be able to repay her. There were bumps, there was a problem member or two, but by the band banquet, life was good, we had all survived, and Dr. Reynolds ( yes, in the course of the season Dr. Heller got married, That was a great rehearsal!) did not think I was a failure. Best of all, I didn't think I was a failure.
Fast forward to this year, and I get the roster for clarinets for the 2014 season. NONE of the clarinets are returning members. Out of 8 clarinets, only I was returning. Considering that all of last years members were freshmen, I was flooded with thoughts that I had screwed up big time and had done my part to creating a bad experience for them. I've talked to them all, and every one of them had other reasons for not being in band this year ( schedule conflicts, jobs, etc) but there is that little voice in the back of my head that says " You are responsible for them leaving"
Flashback..
I remember my first year in the marching band, we did an exhibition show and the UMass Marching Band was also there in exhibition. 397 members. There was barely enough room of the field for all of them. They literally took my breath away. At the end of their performance, a group of us from CCSU sat there and decided to high- five them all as they walked off the field. I legit thought my arm would fall off by the end, but I was on a high like I have never experienced. I was having visions the whole ride back to school of the CCSU marching band being there someday.Me and my friend decided that night we wanted to try and get our band to triple digits by our last season. With this in mind, losing 7 people from my section alone was a sad blow to my dream.
Which brings me to " 7 days to fight the fear of failure" no, our band will not be in the triple digits for my last season, but I do believe that in the near future, it will be in the triple digits. If anyone can bring that out, Dr. Reynolds will do it. She has a fire in her that i've never experienced. I want to help in the dream of triple digits. There are 9 incoming clarinet rookies this season, I want to do everything in my power to make sure they stay next season. I want to be that band person for them that makes band the best thing about their semester. I want band to feel like home to them, like it felt to me. I want them to tell their friends it's a great place and that they should join, I want to be Santa.
I've been thinking about it non-stop since getting home from DMA. I've been thinking about the new set of tools I have to help me be a better section leader, the be a more supportive section leader, but today, as I sat looking through band photos to pick my daily countdown picture, I realized the word that was missing from my vocabulary. Friend. I want to be a better FRIEND, be a more supportive FRIEND. If it's gonna feel like home, they've gotta feel the trust, love, and safety that comes with being in a family. This is the thing that freaks me out. My own home has had it's less than stellar record of lacking those family essentials, and I, myself, have found it hard to trust people and to make a lot of friends. Even in my band of 60+ people, there are 4 who i regularly talk to, hang with, trust with anything personal. How am I going to be this trustworthy, safe person for my section? For others in the band? This is uncharted territory for me. I've never made friends quickly, or easily, even with people i've known for a while. I need to just let go of it all. Let go of the control, find the trust and allow myself to be a friend to those who are incoming rookies, and maybe even give a stab to solidifying relationships with returning members.
This is my last year as a CCSU Marching Blue Devil. There is no chance for a do-over next season. There is here, there is now, and there is a legacy to leave behind. My first season, I had a terrible experience with my SL. I will remember that for the rest of my life. I don't want to leave that as my legacy. I want to be the friend, the person who made band a fun place to be. I want to be a reason for people to come back, not a reason for them to leave. When I come back on alumni day, I want to say " Hey Rookies! Welcome to Sophomore year!" I don't want to walk in on alumni day, look at the clarinets and go " Where are they?" I want the clarinets to be glad to see me. I want to look not at my rookie squad, but to look into the faces of my friends. This is the task for MB 2014. This is the person I'm gonna work to be.
Here's to senior year. Here's to my final season. Here's to the best season this band has had yet. Let there be memories to warm my thoughts for years to come.
"7 Days to old friends, new friends and so many new adventures."
So, I don't understand the Wolves, but the lyrics to this song are worth listening to. One of my favorite motivational tunes.
