On the outside looking in..

  When I made the decision to volunteer to work at my alma mater's band camp this summer, I was a little nervous about figuring out how I would fit in as a non-band member  to my friends and former classmates. As the last few days have unfolded it feels like the question has shifted from "How will I fit in?" to " Do I even fit at all?" When I was in band, and for the years I was in it in college, I always had this, call it cheesy band geek, image of it being a sort of family. Something where, once you were in, you were a part of it for life. Maybe I was naive?
        My knee jerk desire to work at band camp and help with it was because in my heart, I truly believe that marching band isn't just a fun thing to do, but I feel that the things it teaches are fundamental to a functional and well balanced society. The second thought was that I wanted to ' pay it forward' and give back my time and service to the band that made all the difference to my life in college.  I wanted it to succeed, I wanted it to grow. I guess i always felt there was a natural succession with band... a) be in the band b)graduate from the band c) Volunteer/work with your old band d) Find your very own band. Lastly, I was hoping to build a little on my professional resume. By the preview show my first season, i knew I wanted to do this with my life. Without a question I wanted to get a job as a band director and have a band of my own. I wanted to work on getting better with field work and stuff, analyzing the drill and helping students with funky foot placements or technique.  So much for that. Being told that your help is not wanted on the field is a hit in the gut.
          I went from " Hell yes i'm helping at band camp!" To thinking that, while i'm more than happy to volunteer and work for band camp if my help is actually wanted/ needed, If not, i'd like to have my dignity intact and not be the " I'm the poor schmuck who has nothing better to do with her life than spend her days watching the band she used to be in work on their field show"
      I thought it was just a matter of seeing how I fit into this band as an alumni, but i've come to realize that it isn't about finding your space,  it's about being on the outside and looking through the window at something that is no longer yours to be a part of, but rather something that stirred you up, chewed you up, and spit you out.  It's realizing that just because you put your heart and soul into something, it doesn't necessarily remember that as it spits you out. Once you were part of a well oiled machine, now you are what the machine tossed out in search of something better. I have always been so proud of 'our' band, so excited to hoot and holler and sing their praises to everyone I knew, and I am still so proud of this band and the incredible feats in manages to accomplish, but it's hard to hoopla when you're feeling like the bando that was never quite good enough.
    Someday i'll find a band of my own, someday, I'll prove that i'm worth having some faith in, someday I'll chant " Eyes?" and hear my band say "With Pride" and it will be a beautiful thing.