With gratitude, to a man I never met.

 
           Today, I remember a man I have never met, but who has greatly influenced the musician and person I am today. I debated posting this today, as I felt I was infringing upon a private moment in the lives of those who actually knew him, but I've felt an overwhelming desire to express my gratitude for quite some time, so please forgive my infringement. I mean no ill.
                                            

My friend Megan told me my first George Parks story in my aural skills I class back in 2009 and inspired me not to give up. From there, as I looked him up and learned more about him, he inspired me and my life.It was this love and inspiration that seemed to radiate from his words  and videos I watched that piqued my interest in Marching and I am grateful for that gift every day.
         Maybe one day down the road, I would have seen something or talked to someone else who got me interested in checking out marching band, but I'll never know. What I do know, is that my friend's stories of George Parks made me youtube him, and that lead to Drum corp videos, and Marching band videos, and we all know how the Youtube cycle goes. This led to conversations with other fiends, and eventually lead to my friends convincing me to join the marching band with my $100 clarinet and non-existent playing chops.

         That first season, I was utterly terrified walking into the band room on rookie day, but I had a few friends, and I was committed to seeing what would happen. The school had just gotten a new band director, and I was afraid that she'd call me out realizing i was a fraud. Instead, she came up and chatted with me and made me feel like I belonged here regardless of my skills. I remember, it was maybe the second day of camp, and her friend Matt came and gave us a pep talk about how being in band would be the best moments of our lives and it was all downhill after that. I wasn't sure he was right at that moment, but by the end of band camp 2012, I knew. The following seasons I knew more and more, I joined the student leadership and  after the terrors of leading a group of students in something I had no clue about, it became a great learning and growing experience. The next year I went off to DMA-Amherst, not as a drum major, but because I had heard so many incredible things and had drank the proverbial marching band kool-aid, that I had to experience it for myself. I don't exaggerate when I say, it was a life changing experience. An experience I would never have known if it had not been for a little anecdotal story, told at the beginning of an aural skills class in 2009.

          Joining band led me to some of the most beautiful friendships I've ever known, and may ever know. I learned about perseverance, trial and error, self doubt and self belief. I learned what it was to pour your heart and soul into something and treasure the end result. I discovered the incredible amount of physical demand a persons calves, feet, shoulders, and back can endure, I found that the limits in my head were not the limits of my capability. I came to believe that moving, unless it's with a purpose is not living up to your potential. I found that reaching 2 inches higher is worth the effort it takes. If it hadn't been for band, there is a very good probability that I would have run screaming from the music department in 2012, but  in band, I found my place at CCSU. I found my home, and now, in January will be starting in a program to become a certified music educator. Being in marching band, i've had the opportunity to get to know several wonderful and inspiring people, all of whom were inspired by knowing and loving George N. Parks. It was this love and inspiration that got me interested in Marching and I am grateful for it every day.

         I was privileged this summer, to go back to my alma mater and spend some time on the sidelines as the 2015 Blue Devil marching band created magic on the field, I got to get a real behind the scenes look at what's going on in the stands while the band is on the field. I got to see for the first time in my life, what it was like to watch the forms come to life on the field, and I got to really see my director with different eyes and realize all the work and passion she pours into this crazy beautiful thing we know as marching band. There were moments I got sentimental remembering how fun she made it for me, and how she could make long hours on the field seem to go by faster. I got to see where the magic happens. It was something I won't forget. Most memorable to me was when I was on the side-line as the group screamed TOGETHER-IN-OUT-BACK-FROZEN-UP-WITH PRIDE! It legitimately gave me chills. There is something anchoring about watching your band as a helper/worker instead of a member and realizing that no matter what, you'll always have a place on this turf, in this group. Your chant rises with theirs and the legacy lives on in a new group of people even farther removed from this man I never met, who has, in some way, both small and profound, touched my life and made it all the better.  Thank you George Parks. Thank you for sharing your love of the marching arts, thank you for touching the lives of those who knew you, who now share your passion and love with a new generation. Yours is a legacy that will live on in the hearts of bandos and those who love bandos across the country for years to come.

On the outside looking in..

  When I made the decision to volunteer to work at my alma mater's band camp this summer, I was a little nervous about figuring out how I would fit in as a non-band member  to my friends and former classmates. As the last few days have unfolded it feels like the question has shifted from "How will I fit in?" to " Do I even fit at all?" When I was in band, and for the years I was in it in college, I always had this, call it cheesy band geek, image of it being a sort of family. Something where, once you were in, you were a part of it for life. Maybe I was naive?
        My knee jerk desire to work at band camp and help with it was because in my heart, I truly believe that marching band isn't just a fun thing to do, but I feel that the things it teaches are fundamental to a functional and well balanced society. The second thought was that I wanted to ' pay it forward' and give back my time and service to the band that made all the difference to my life in college.  I wanted it to succeed, I wanted it to grow. I guess i always felt there was a natural succession with band... a) be in the band b)graduate from the band c) Volunteer/work with your old band d) Find your very own band. Lastly, I was hoping to build a little on my professional resume. By the preview show my first season, i knew I wanted to do this with my life. Without a question I wanted to get a job as a band director and have a band of my own. I wanted to work on getting better with field work and stuff, analyzing the drill and helping students with funky foot placements or technique.  So much for that. Being told that your help is not wanted on the field is a hit in the gut.
          I went from " Hell yes i'm helping at band camp!" To thinking that, while i'm more than happy to volunteer and work for band camp if my help is actually wanted/ needed, If not, i'd like to have my dignity intact and not be the " I'm the poor schmuck who has nothing better to do with her life than spend her days watching the band she used to be in work on their field show"
      I thought it was just a matter of seeing how I fit into this band as an alumni, but i've come to realize that it isn't about finding your space,  it's about being on the outside and looking through the window at something that is no longer yours to be a part of, but rather something that stirred you up, chewed you up, and spit you out.  It's realizing that just because you put your heart and soul into something, it doesn't necessarily remember that as it spits you out. Once you were part of a well oiled machine, now you are what the machine tossed out in search of something better. I have always been so proud of 'our' band, so excited to hoot and holler and sing their praises to everyone I knew, and I am still so proud of this band and the incredible feats in manages to accomplish, but it's hard to hoopla when you're feeling like the bando that was never quite good enough.
    Someday i'll find a band of my own, someday, I'll prove that i'm worth having some faith in, someday I'll chant " Eyes?" and hear my band say "With Pride" and it will be a beautiful thing.